Thauriwen's Little Adventure
by Anya Midnight
Summary: A shameless 'Sue parody including the beloved Halfelvens and Legolas. Be careful when drinking. Contains Silm refs and unhealthy amouts of sarcasm.


Thauriwen the Beautiful  
  
By Anya Midnight  
  
One lovely and perfect day in America, the stunningly beautiful Thauriwen was sitting in the park. She was reading iThe Lord of the Rings/I for the millionth time, skipping to just the part with her hottie, Leggy-kins, in them.  
  
She was wearing her favourite green tank-top and tight, low-rise dark denim jeans with a rhinestone wallet chain. As she got to the part when Aragorn and Arwen were married, she sighed dramatically and clasped her hands together, tilting her beautiful, light blonde head to the side. "Oh, if only Leggy-kins would marry me!" she sighed dreamily.  
  
A high-school boy roller-blading through the park came across the thirteen year old and said, "Oi! teeny! I'd get off the freshly painted bench if I were you!" But the ever-so sickeningly perfect Thauriwen just sighed again.  
  
"Oh, I am so hated here on Earth! I have no family or friends, and everyone at school thinks I'm weird because of my slightly pointed ears (which I'll make sure you never forget) and my oddly-coloured eyes!"  
  
---  
  
Far, far above the Earth, in the Outer Circles of the World, Manwë, his brother Oromë, and Varda were watching the two worlds of Earth and Middle- earth very carefully.  
  
"Oh, if it doesn't seem like Sauron's planning another spastic takeover for Melkor again," grumbled Oromë, watching the black-clad Dark Lord in his tower, laughing to himself in the manner of clichéd Dark Lords.  
  
"Ai, they do get old after a while. Besides, we've already sunken half of Arda. I don't think Ulmo would like it if the neurotic little Maia was trapped underwater for another millennia," agreed Varda, giggling as Sauron cackled evilly and descended into a coughing fit.  
  
Manwë said nothing, but watched the girl on Earth very carefully. Upon reading her thoughts (very few), he snickered nastily and gestured toward the Palantír. The Valar and Valië looked into it.  
  
"It seems it's another one of those humans," muttered Oromë, fingering his mighty bow.  
  
"What do you all say we toss this one with the others?" suggested Manwë evilly.  
  
Varda cackled quite cruelly. Valië have to be evil sometimes, too, you know. "I do believe that's a good plan, dear husband."  
  
With a simple wave of his hand, Manwë had transferred the girl from one globe to the other.  
  
---  
  
Thauriwen blinked her large (but not overly so) violet-green-silver eyes a few times when she awoke. She was still slightly concussed from her head slamming into a large rock. Manwë wasn't exactly careful with his landing skills, and she had plummeted at least sixty feet through some branches before hitting the ground.  
  
Her slightly-pointed ears were picking up some noises through the thicket she had fallen through. She jumped up somewhat gracefully, her head reeling a bit as dizziness smacked her in the face. After regaining her sense of balance, Thauriwen tiptoed through the thicket as quietly as she could. It was quiet to her, but to any Elf or Ranger, she was a regular Oliphant. Thauriwen had an uncanny habit of stepping on every single twig when she tried her best to be perfectly quiet.  
  
---  
  
Varda let out another evil cackle as she watched the pitiful human with the bizarre custom contact-lenses fumble her way almost drunkenly about Middle- earth. Thauriwen's "perfect" hair- bright blonde with purple and pink streaks down to her knees- was now tangled with sticks and leaves thanks to her husband's pitiful landing skills. Then again, it was probably better that the human was quite concussed, as otherwise she'd probably be making a royal racket.  
  
Manwë watched Thauriwen too, laughing as hard as Varda when the human smacked head-first into a large oak tree. Yavanna came angrily in then, fuming mad that the Men on Earth were cutting up her trees again.  
  
"Manwë, you simply must do something about those horrible.what in Eru's name are you doing?!" she asked loudly.  
  
"Shh." grumbled Oromë as Thauriwen stumbled into a thick patch of brambles.  
  
Yavanna came closer, wondering what the Void her fellow Valië and two Valar were doing. She rolled her eyes as she spotted the quite haggard creature stumbling through the woods outside of Rivendell.  
  
"Honestly, Manwë, you are such a child sometimes," she admonished.  
  
When Thauriwen was wading through the brambles, though, Yavanna had to laugh. The human's rather stupid fashion sense had her perfectly sculpted legs all cut and bruised.  
  
She, too, sat down to watch.  
  
---  
  
Thauriwen was in despair. Clearly, she thought, she was in Middle-earth. But where was her darling Leggy-kins? And why hadn't he saved her already?  
  
Just as she was about to sporadically leak from her eyes and screech "LEGGY!" in her window shattering voice, she heard hooves.  
  
She turned around just as her beloved Prince came riding into the clearing where she had fallen. Thauriwen, calling his name, waded back through the painful brambles to reach him.  
  
Legolas was a bit disgusted at first to see yet another hormonal teenager coming after him, but then he remembered the benefits of such vapid creatures. This one had obviously pissed off Yavanna for some reason, he thought as she made it to the edge of the brambles, but was instantly pulled backwards by a branch.  
  
Still, he thought, poontang is poontang. He gallantly nudged his horse forward, offering a hand to the snivelling human girl as she fought to get free of the sadistic plants.  
  
"Here, my lady," he said in his seductive tone. "Let me help you. I can bring you to Imladris, if you like, where the Lord Elrond can treat your wounds."  
  
"Oh, Legolas," she sighed dramatically. "That woulst beeth wonderful."  
  
He cringed at the sound of the awful prose that would undoubtedly begin in a short while. If only he had remembered his gag, things might have been easier.  
  
He rode back to Rivendell bearing the ragged human behind him. Lord Elrond rolled his eyes a bit as the girl came up to him and gasped, "You're Elrond!"  
  
"No, I'm really Gandalf," he said sarcastically. The human didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Oh, my Gawd, I'm in Middle-earth! I read all about your world in a book! Wow!" she gushed enthusiastically.  
  
"That's nice, dear. Now, what's your name?" asked Elrond, straining to keep his composure with the idiotic human.  
  
"Thauriwen," she answered. Elrond used all of his lordly composure to keep from laughing hysterically.  
  
"Well, come along then.Thauriwen," he said, trying very hard to keep from snickering as he said the name. he motioned for the girl to follow him into the House, where he could bandage up her legs.  
  
After Thauriwen had been sufficiently bandaged, Elrond left her in the healing wing and went to go see about his children and the guests.  
  
He caught Arwen in the hall, wearing an extremely low-cut dress. Quite obviously she was going to meet Aragorn later. "Arwen," he said. "There's another of those humans in the healing wing. After dinner I'd appreciate it if you could clothe her and get her something to eat."  
  
Arwen sighed. "Ada." she whined. "I had to take care of the last one! Why can't one of the boys do it?"  
  
"Because they're going out hunting tomorrow, meleth-nin. Just take care of her for half a day. We'll find something to do with her tomorrow."  
  
Arwen grumbled something and nodded. She continued along the corridor to dinner while Elrond stopped briefly to get something from his office.  
  
---  
  
"You are so cruel, Yavanna," said Oromë as Thauriwen was beaten with living brambles.  
  
"Well, she's one of those damn humans who keeps chopping up my trees!" exclaimed Yavanna, making the bramble bushes trip the human whenever she tried to get away.  
  
Varda laughed. "You and your damn trees. How do you think I feel, what with all the travel and digging up my bloody Isil? I'm sure you'd love to have one of the Trees being dug up every decade to be picked at and examined."  
  
"Shh! Here comes the Sinda Slut!" said Oromë quite loudly.  
  
"Sinda Slut?" asked Manwë, an eyebrow raised.  
  
"Oh, as if I don't know any of your names for the Teleri. Or, for that matter, the Noldor," snapped Oromë.  
  
"No, no, I think it's quite.apt for Thranduil's son," said Manwë quickly. "That whole family.bizarre genes and too pants-happy to really rule a country."  
  
They all laughed. Then they heard footsteps outside the door, and a distant quiet sob. "Shit," whispered Varda. "It's Nienna."  
  
Sure enough, the mournful Nienna came in the hall, clutching a handkerchief in her trembling hand and occasionally dabbing at her eyes. "Oh," she sighed. "'Tis terrible. Another one of ithose/i humans hath found Imladris." She began to cry again.  
  
Varda hugged the perpetually sobbing Valië. "Manwë hath taken care of it. 'Twill all be well, Nienna."  
  
Still grasping the damp handkerchief, Nienna exited the hall again to go mourn something else- a dead tree or something of the sort.  
  
*  
  
Elrond entered the Great Hall right as everyone was gathering at the table for supper. After giving all the guests another brief hospitable speech, they all sat down and dined. He gestured to Elladan.  
  
"Elladan," he said quietly. "You and your brother will have to postpone your hunting trip for a day. Something has come up, perhaps more fun then hunting."  
  
Elladan mumbled a curse under his breath. "Why? What?"  
  
Elrond began to whisper his plan into his younger son's ear. Soon Elladan was cackling like a homicidal maniac, and he ran off to tell Elrohir.  
  
Gandalf looked questioningly at the evilly grinning Lord of Imladris, but decided he'd rather not know.  
  
---  
  
When Thauriwen awoke, it was quite dark outside. Most were sleeping. She sat up in bed, looking around for someone to help her or get her some food. No one was about.  
  
"Hello?" she asked quietly. "Hello?"  
  
Finally, she heard footsteps. A tall figure came into the room, bearing a candle. Legolas, she realized.  
  
"Oh, my beloved! Thou hast returned to me," she said happily.  
  
Legolas cringed inwardly but kept his serene look on his face. "Ah, Thauriwen, dear. I have something to show you." He held out his hand, and the human took it.  
  
He helped her out to the gardens, where a cool wind was gently blowing, but otherwise the Valley was undisturbed. He sat down on the soft, sweet grass and motioned for the human to sit next to him.  
  
"You are most beautiful, Thauriwen," he said softly, using an intense, longing look on the girl.  
  
It seemed to work, as she soon blushed and said, "Why thanketh thee, my dear Legolas."  
  
Gently he placed an arm around her, scooting her closer as he looked deeply into her eyes. He pulled her forward, brushing his lips against hers. Soon, she was kissing him passionately (if not a little slobbery) and his nimble elven hands moved under her top.  
  
Then, quite unexpectedly, she had another bout of unconsciousness. Legolas cursed as Thauriwen fell back on the grass, mouth slack and unconscious.  
  
---  
  
Oromë roared with laughter. Manwë had sent one of his faithful birds down to the Hidden Valley to aid the Prince in his.nightly sport.  
  
"Ahahaha! She's unconscious! He.ahah!...Sinda slut." laughed Varda, still unable to make a complete sentence she was laughing so hard.  
  
Manwë grinned proudly as they all watched Legolas, still grumbling, drag the human back up to the healing wing.  
  
---  
  
The next day, Elrond came into the healing wing first thing. Thauriwen was awake, and when Elrond came in, she sighed dramatically and clasped her hands together, tilting her head. "I just love Legolas so much!" she raved.  
  
"That's nice, dear. Can I get you anything?" asked Elrond catatonically.  
  
"No," she sighed again, trying to look regal and elvish, but failing pathetically and looking more stoned than stately.  
  
Elrond grinned wickedly to himself. At least now he had that much more food for the dinner that night.  
  
"Here, then let me help you outside. Fresh air always speeds one's healing," he said, trying his best to be polite.  
  
Elrond led the still dramatically skipping human outside to the garden, nearer to the woods than the one Legolas had taken her to the previous night. He sat her down on a backless bench and said something about getting her something to read or eat and rushed off.  
  
In truth, he was going to rouse the rest of the House, if they wanted to discreetly watch the human girl's little humiliation. His two twin sons, Elrohir and Elladan, had gotten up early and fetched their hunting things, hiding out in the woods.  
  
As he knocked on the last door and rushed out to his balcony, where his sons could see him give the signal, Thauriwen was beginning to get impatient. As a future princess, she thought, she should have all of her desires instantly, not waiting five minutes for someone to get them.  
  
As she stood up, Elrond gave his sons the signal, and both let loose their arrows straight at Thauriwen.  
  
Sometimes Elves need moving targets, too.  
  
---  
  
The two Valar and Valier who had been watching Thauriwen's escapade were now all rolling about on the floor laughing so hard.  
  
"Aha.he's Eärendil's son, no doubt about that!" exclaimed Varda with mirth before collapsing into hysterical laughter again.  
  
Aulë came in and saw his fellow Valar balled up on the floor crying with laughter and blinked. "Did I miss something?"  
  
"Oh.Eru.ahah.yes, you did!" laughed Oromë.  
  
Aulë nodded and smiled slightly, then backed out of the hall. Obviously his fellow gods had just completed a good prank- and, frankly, he didn't want to know.  
  
As Manwë got up again, brushing off his robes, he noticed something in the Earth globe that made him groan. "We've another one," he sighed.  
  
***  
  
Muaha. A shameless 'Sue parody, and the first of its kind, I believe. Hope you liked it. And if not, flame me! Yay! By the way, Thauriwen means 'abominable lady'. Very fitting in this case.  
  
Hopefully most of us know that Manwë, Oromë, and Aulë are three of the chief Valar. Manwë has a bit of a.disagreement with the Noldor Elves, whereas Oromë likes the Sindar best, and Ulmo and the Valar of water like the Teleri. Aulë is the closest with the Noldor (being a craftsman himself). Varda is the Valië of the night sky and stars, married to Manwë.  
  
Varda and Manwë live in Valinor in a great hall on a mountain, and I imagine that, being the most powerful of the gods (besides Eru), they'd have some sort of device to see what was going on in Middle-earth and Earth.  
  
The hapless 'Sue is my own, alas, but not any longer, as she met her "tragic" demise in the Hidden Valley. Gods bless you, Elrond and family.  
  
Like it? Spiffy. Tell me and boost my Tic-tac sized ego.  
  
Needs work? I love you. Tell me now!  
  
Hate it and/or me? Yay! Flame me! 


End file.
